I previously wrote articles advising people to “start with no” and another suggesting to “try to say yes whenever possible.” So which is it? It’s both! The appropriate response depends on the type of question you’re being asked.
Is someone asking for your permission to do or try something, or are they asking for your valuable time?
Permission
If someone is asking for your permission to try something new, say “yes” whenever reasonable. As I mentioned in part 1, it’s easy to fall into the habit of saying “no” to anything new or potentially risky. However, trying new things is how people learn best. The discovery process engages people’s brains more effectively than simply being told how to do something. This sense of ownership makes it much more likely the new skill will be remembered.
Beyond solidifying the learning, what they actually discover may end up being even better than what you would have taught them.
When people try new approaches, three outcomes are possible:
- They discover this new approach doesn’t work
- They find it works, but doesn’t feel optimal
- They discover a solution that’s the perfect fit for them
When you dictate how to do something, you most likely get result #2. While this is safe, it’s not ideal. When you let people experiment and try their own methods, you’ll definitely encounter some failures (#1), but it’s the only path to achieving the coveted #3 result!
Allowing experimentation doesn’t just teach people what works and what doesn’t—it teaches them how to learn. It helps them develop approaches that are right for them. Learning to learn is like learning to paint: you can study techniques and styles of others, but until you make it your own, you’re just coloring by numbers.
Your Time
If someone is asking for your help to solve a problem, or worse yet, asking you to simply solve it for them, start with “no.” I provided effective ways to do this in part 2 and explained how it will preserve your valuable time.
What I didn’t fully explore was how saying “no” benefits the other person. A coaching client of mine was so busy that he hadn’t taken a day off in months. I encouraged him to stop answering his phone and only respond to voicemails every two hours. He resisted, insisting that his team needed him, but I persuaded him to try it for a week.
Initially, he was receiving over 30 phone calls daily, all of which he would normally answer. Only about half of those callers left voicemails. At first, he worried about not knowing what the other half wanted. I pointed out that if they didn’t bother to leave a message, their issue probably wasn’t too important.
He conceded that point but claimed the voicemails he did receive were all “urgent.” When I asked how the conversations went when he returned those calls, he sheepishly replied, “Well, half of those people had already solved their own problems.”
By the end of the week, he was only getting about 8 calls a day, all with voicemails. Half of those messages were simply updates on problems people had encountered and subsequently solved themselves.
Two weeks later, he arrived at our meeting and gave me a bear hug. “I took both Saturday and Sunday off this past weekend! I haven’t done that in years!” By saying “no,” he had encouraged his team to start finding solutions independently. His constant availability had conditioned them to simply pass their problems on to him. By becoming less available, he empowered them to solve their own problems, helping them grow and improve at their jobs. The time saved allowed him to focus on proactive projects he rarely had time for. Everyone became better at their jobs, and he finally got some well-deserved time off.
Empowerment
I only realized after writing parts 1 and 2 that both answers—”yes” and “no”—are really about empowering others. When we say “yes” to someone wanting to try something new, we allow them to discover solutions independently. When we say “no” to requests to solve problems for them, we strongly encourage them to… discover solutions independently.
In both cases, team members become stronger and better at their jobs, allowing everyone, including leaders, to be more effective and focused in their roles.