I once got some excellent feedback…and I immediately rejected it. Not only was it excellent feedback, the way in which it was given was fantastic. It was positive and upbeat with actionable changes that would be easy to implement. So why did I reject it? This is a challenge every manager faces when giving feedback to employees. Many people say they want feedback, but if they are being honest, they don’t. It has taken me quite a while, but I have learned to accept feedback for what it is…another person going out of their way to proactively help me improve. So, I was startled at how quickly I rejected this feedback.

In episode 30 of the NeuroConversant Leadership podcast, I talked about receiving feedback well and embracing it. Now let’s focus on giving feedback in a way that makes it easier for people to receive, especially if they are neuro-different than you are. Neurodivergent is a term that is used a lot these days. While it’s great to be aware of, dealing with people who aren’t ‘divergent’ but are just different than you are can also be a challenge. Even within the neurotypical range, there is a LOT of diversity which can make things more difficult. The problem is that we tend to give feedback the way we would want to receive it, not necessarily the way the other person would.

When giving feedback, remember, it’s not about you!

Five things to consider when giving feedback.

To give feedback or not to give feedback.

The first thing to think about is whether or not you should give feedback at all. If you are someone’s manager and a person has done something that needs to be fixed or changed, then feedback is necessary. If it doesn’t necessarily need to change, but you would do it differently, stop and ask yourself how much benefit there will be by giving that person feedback on how you think it should be done. It can be hard, especially for newer managers, to accept that just because something is different doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

When interacting with a peer, friend or family member you also need to ask yourself how beneficial feedback would be. Are their actions actually a problem, or just different than what you would do. What is the likelihood that your feedback will be listened to, and more importantly, acted upon. Think about trying to tell someone they should drop the person they just started dating. While you may be correct, the odds of their listening are infinitesimal. The odds of that advice causing a strain on your relationship are high. Stop and think about whether you are giving the advice because it makes you feel better, or because it will actually be helpful.

When to give feedback.

If someone asks you for feedback, this is a no brainer. The time to give feedback is now. However, if they haven’t asked for it, and you have decided it is necessary, timing gets trickier. When the person is aware of what just went wrong and is in an emotionally charged state, they are unlikely to hear any suggestions. You will want to wait until they are calm enough to hear the feedback, but not so long that the memory is starting to fade and feel unimportant. My rule of thumb in that situation is to put 4 working hours between the incident and the feedback. If it happened in the morning, that afternoon works. If it happened in the afternoon, the following morning. Of course, it depends on the situation and the people involved, but that framework has usually worked well for me.

How direct should your feedback be?

When I was growing up, people often didn’t make sense to me because they weren’t saying what they actually meant. Boy was that confusing and frustrating for me. I didn’t realize until much later that my very clear communication (read that as blunt and direct) could hurt people’s feelings. This is a classic example of neurodiversity: Some brains process direct communication as clarity, others as aggression. Either is ok as long as you recognize the other person’s point of view.

When you give a person who likes direct feedback, trying to couch things to make them more palatable will just cause confusion. However, for many people, receiving very direct feedback can feel hurtful. In my opinion, being direct when giving feedback is always best, but be aware of the feelings that can bring up in all of us and give space for the feedback to be internalized.

How much detail to give?

We all believe that we are being perfectly clear when we speak because we assume other people share our frame of reference. That is rarely true. When giving feedback, it is important not to be vague. Giving feedback from a thousand-foot view gives them the gist of what the problem is but is rarely actionable. Digging into the weeds to make sure they understand and giving too many specific examples can feel like piling on. To my mind, stating a specific action or event that is fact-based provides enough detail and letting them know the impact that action has covers the big picture. It could sound something like “You were thirty minutes late on Tuesday. You were replacing Suzie who had to leave to pick up her son so we had to shut down one of the ticket lines until you got here, causing people’s wait time to go from 3 minutes to 10 minutes.” That is specific about both the action and the consequences, providing both details and the big picture.

Interpreting people’s reactions.

Some people are going to respond to your feedback right away and want to talk it out. Others are going to want to take some time and internalize it before responding. This is another example of where recognizing cognitive diversity is critical. Both reactions are reasonable, but both can be frustrating depending on your style. For some, an immediate response can feel like the person isn’t taking it seriously enough to let it sink in. For others, a lack of immediate response can feel like the person didn’t really hear what we had to say. Don’t try to force the other person to respond the way you would. When in doubt, ask them “Would you like to talk this through now, or would you like to process for a bit and finish this conversation later?” The next time you need to give that person feedback, remember what their answer was.

A feedback formula that works

If you have decided that giving feedback is necessary, here are some steps you can take which, when done well, is likely to work with a wide range of people.

1) Be sure they are ready. If they think you are going to be talking about one thing and instead you spring some feedback on them, they won’t be ready to receive it. Remember the excellent feedback that I rejected? I rejected it because it wasn’t what I was expecting. If you can tell them ahead of time what the conversation will be about, that is ideal. At the very least, when the conversation starts, let them know at the very beginning what it is going to be about.

2) Be fact based. Don’t make broad statements about “always being late” or “never cleaning your area”. Instead, cite up to a few specific examples. Don’t make it a laundry list and pile on. When possible, give the day, location and concise but specific description of actual events.

3) Ask them for their perspective, but do not interrogate them. “Why couldn’t you get here on time?” is an interrogation and the person is likely to get defensive. I have found that “Tell me about that?”  is the best follow up question. It isn’t accusatory and it doesn’t narrow down their response. “Why were you late” sounds accusatory. “Why do you always miss the morning train?” may cause the fact that the person’s spouse is very sick to never get brought up.

4) Help them come up with a solution. Whether it is at that meeting, or at a time soon after, figure out together what can be done to ensure better outcomes in the future. It’s easy to fall back on “do better or else”, but it isn’t very helpful. Giving them suggestions or instructions on what to change to avoid the problem in the future, is going to be resisted and/or resented. A solution that they come up with is far more likely to be enacted. You can help in the process but let them be the driver so that it is their solution.

5) Follow up. Once they have come up with a solution, give it some time to work and then check in. If you can tell that it is going well, congratulate them. If it isn’t yet clear, ask them how it’s going. If asked with genuine curiosity and concern, it is likely to be appreciated. If things have not improved, do not just let it go. Another meeting to analyze why it didn’t work, potentially come up with a new solution and possibly disciplinary measures is in order.

Summing it all up

Giving corrective feedback is rarely enjoyable to give or to receive. But it can be made better by following the steps outlined above. If you start by remembering that it isn’t about you and the focus should be on how best to help them, you are off to a great start. That means both deciding whether it is worth giving feedback at all, as well as figuring out how to give it in a way that they are most likely to receive and incorporate.

Have a specific example in mind?

If you have recently given feedback and it didn’t go well, I’d be happy to talk it through and analyze how things might have been different. Do you have an upcoming meeting to give feedback that you are dreading? Let’s look at the specifics of your situation and come up with your strategy. Click here to schedule a complimentary zoom meeting to discuss.